After clicking around the VitalSmarts website, I found a "What Would You Do" assessment in the Crucial Accountability (formerly Crucial Confrontations) section. Since it's finals week and I should be studying, I obviously decided to take the quiz. It was interesting, however, to see a personalized breakdown of how my behavior aligns with the core of CC: recognizing the difference between motivation and ability.

According to my results, I am better at seeing motivation as a contributor to someone's lack of performance than I am at understanding how lack of ability may be a cause of behavior. Some of the assessment questions included scenarios like, "The IT department still hasn't delivered the new computer you were expecting... last week. You: (call the IT department and let them know that if the computer doesn't get to you by the end of the week, you will need to call the IT manager to let her know about your concern) OR (call the IT department and ask what you can do to help them get you the computer you need).

In choosing which option I was most likely to do, my answer was the former, which explains why I scored lower in ability. Reviewing my answers allowed me to see that in this case especially, I could be telling myself the story that the IT department was withholding the computer from me because they didn't deem my request important, because they were incompetent, etc. Instead, I need to shift my thought process to an understanding that reasonable, rational, decent people (I assume most people possess these traits) would not do any of those things in this case. It was more likely, instead, that there was something blocking the completion of my request that was more related to ability than motivation.

I would have been able to work through this hypothetical situation more effectively if I understood that the best way to get my desired outcome is to assist all those involved in its creation. Working with the IT team would allow me to help with any ability problems that they may face, like lack of permission from managers, misunderstanding of the process, or inexperience with the checkout system. By threatening to turn them into their manager, all I'm doing is making a bad name for myself and causing further stress for the IT professional.

Some of these concepts also align with the age-old adage, "kill them with kindness". Even if I'm dealing with a motivation issue, a kind approach to working through problems will allow my interaction with a disgruntled employee to be the exception, not the rule. I look forward to keeping this lesson in mind in my final semester at TCU and my upcoming position at Deloitte.

Although my past two posts have been written about struggles I've had with friends (which have also been consuming much of my thought), I do have several true friends who have been by my side in the past several weeks as I've gone through this. In addition, they've done things to brighten my days, push me to work harder, encourage me to acknowledge my own weaknesses or even to give myself a break. These girls were some of the people who the friend written about in "A Challenge" had deemed "shallow" and not long-term friendships, so I'm glad that I've been able to prove her wrong by nurturing truly meaningful relationships with them.

Today, one of the girls called me in tears, telling me that she felt defeated and that she felt that the whole semester had been a complete letdown to her. She said that she hadn't made the grades she wanted, but she didn't even have good memories to show for it-- she had just been distracted by internal struggles and her fear of what her future held. My friend mentioned that she thought her professors didn't take her seriously and that she looked back on college and felt that she had done nothing of value for the community. She mentioned all of the regrets that she had and how undervalued she felt within our own Next Gen cohort.

Obviously worried about her in the moment, as everyone has days where the culmination of the past few months becomes a crushing pressure, I was also incredibly broken-hearted that my dear friend would think so little of herself. Of all of the meaningful relationships that I have had in my lifetime, I felt like this friend was one who I not only listened to, but respected and admired for her ability to lead people in a social environment. Where she saw a group of people who hadn't received anything of value from her, I saw a cohort of individuals who seriously respected the quiet individual who was able to make a statement that made others reconsider.

Listening to her talk about how she felt her semester was ending was hard-- not only because it's never easy to see someone go through a breakdown like that, but also because I didn't know how to put into words how much I value her and how much I know others value her. Everything I said didn't seem to sum up how well I thought she handles herself in group settings, or how much I admire her discipline in school. She mentioned how she felt like she had stopped doing the things that she loved, how she stopped taking care of herself, and how she didn't even like what she was doing in school. I understood her pain, as approaching the end of college causes everyone to look at their education retrospectively, but I didn't want her to feel like she was stuck. I tried to explain how many opportunities she had set up for herself and after a while, she was able to calm down and turn her thoughts back to preparing for finals.

Seeing a close friend have a breakdown similar to some that I have is difficult, because I know exactly how she felt and I wouldn't wish that feeling on my worst enemy. But reflecting on this situation, I see that it's a good learning experience for my own leadership development. Although I see this girl as a peer, I believe that I could have helped prevent feelings like this by helping her see her own self worth on a weekly, even daily, basis. As a leader in the workforce, I know that I'll come across my own roadblocks, but I also know I'll be involved in the healing of others. If I hope to become someone that my coworkers or team members respect, I feel that I should also be a source of encouragement throughout all of our shortcomings.

I often think positive things about people; I'll notice that someone has done an impressive job on a presentation, or I'll overhear them networking well with a visiting company, but I rarely make a point to mention that to them. I admire so many of my peers, but rarely do we make a point to share those admirations. Although I know this friend has gone through much in her personal life that I could never heal myself, I know that by making my respect for her more known to her, I will help her become more confident and gain a higher self-worth. Practicing this-- giving compliments out loud rather than in my head-- will be helpful in my friendships, but will also allow me to become a supportive and encouraging leader who has the capability to raise others up. In a work environment, where often small failures run more rampant than big successes, I believe this will be an invaluable asset and help me to become a valued and respected leader.

When I wrote the post "A Challenge", I mentioned that there were two friends who had become difficult relationships for me recently. The second friend initiated our crucial conversation over text with one sweeping text message that included some of the most hurtful statements I've ever heard. Of course, she had been a close friend for a while and knew exactly what to say to hurt me, but it was nevertheless shocking.

The core of her issue with me was that she believed that I wasn't being empathetic to her in regards to the job offer that I received but she didn't. In my perspective, I hadn't really talked to her about it at all, knowing that she's a very sensitive person who can turn on you quickly when she feels insecure. Instead, I focused on celebrating my (hard worked) achievement privately, with friends and family who I knew were truly happy for me. However, I seemed to have done something to upset her in regards to this recent hire and she wasn't pleased.

The message was received while I was at a new hire event for the company and took me completely by surprise. We hadn't been around each other much lately and she had been cold to me in the previous times that we had hung out. However, I didn't think that there had been anything wrong with us, I just thought she was being moody.

Apparently I read the situation wrong and that resulted in a message that proclaimed that I had become "a different person" and my "head has gotten too big for [my] body". She went on to say that she hoped that I had friends more forgiving than her, since I was going to need them if I ever wanted to have friends again. The message was long, and also made some catty jabs at my personality, etc. Although it was clear that the message was sent out of an emotional state, it doesn't change the fact that it was sent, and I had to read all of that.

Brought down to a very low point, emotionally, I walked around with a pit in my stomach for a few days. I kept thinking, has my head gotten too big? Have I really alienated that many people? What have I been doing lately that could have offended someone that much? I spent time asking some close friends if they felt that I had changed and if they thought that I was someone who could make others feel like this. My friends didn't seem to see any behavior that would indicate that, which was reassuring. I didn't want to make other people feel that way because I certainly didn't want to lose all of my friends, as the text suggested. However, I knew that I had obviously made someone feel that way and I didn't understand how.

That confrontation (or I guess lack thereof) has sparked a lot of self-reflection and consideration. Friendship is one of my most cherished values and, like I said in my last post, they have always been a challenge for me. This reflection lately has led me to seek out advice from two people who I have a lot of respect for and I finally had a conversation that I feel broke through the issue.

Dr. Shipp seemed to understand exactly what I was struggling with, internally, when going through these confrontations with friends. I used to be incredibly self-destructive when friendships were challenged, and often fed my stubborn nature by cutting people off completely after I felt that I had been "wronged". I hated that I did that, and recognized the symptoms, so I worked hard to change that in college. I tried to have meaningful conversations, but if those didn't work out as planned, I reverted to the "flight" mechanism and ended up acting like the situation (and therefore the person) didn't exist at all.

Unfortunately, that's what I've been doing with these two friends. Dealing with the situation has been difficult since I see them almost every day in class. During a recent class period, I actually heard them whispering behind me after every comment I would make or suggestion I would voice. Another friend confirmed that she had been privy to some of the "trash talking" that they now do about me when I'm not around. It's incredibly hurtful to hear, but sadly not surprising.

When talking to Dr. Shipp, my main concern was to understand how I can work through this situation while maintaining the most maturity and grace possible. She gave me some much needed advice on how to act around people who I've changed my relationships with, starting with the fact that I shouldn't act like they don't exist. Although I knew this probably wasn't the best solution, I didn't really know how to behave. Dr. Shipp told me to extend to them the same courtesy that i would extend a stranger on the street. Exchange pleasantries but nothing over the top. Be cordial, but not overly-friendly. Doing this will prevent me from appearing to these girls and to others that I am still in the middle of a catty fight and instead trying to move on and be the bigger person.

As I know that they're attempting to spread ill-taste about me, it's hard to imagine greeting one of them and talking about the weather, but I know that it will help me work through this not only externally, but internally as well. And it's important to me that I am able to understand how to handle these situations in the future, because they have caused me the most stress in my life so far. I am always thinking of friendships that I miss or people who I want to reconnect with, but I hope with some of the advice that I received from Dr. Shipp, I'll have fewer of these regrets in the future.

One of the biggest changes that I hope to make in my life is the way I carry on friendships. I feel like I have had many cycles of seriously close friendships that result in a falling out that ends the friendship. I saw it happen twice in high school and twice in college and I recognize it happening every time. In high school, I was quick to embrace my stubborn nature and terminate friendships completely when I felt like I had been wronged in some way, but that began to take its toll as I began to miss the friendships that I had lost.

In college, I planned to rethink my approach to maintaining those relationships and worked hard to swallow my pride in situations that would have previously made me walk away. I was trying my own techniques to work through problems, but it wasn't until joining the Next Gen program that I began to gain an understanding of how these conversations should be held. Crucial Conversations training is probably one of the most valuable things that I have learned in college and I have worked hard to refine those skills in my own conversations.

Recently I have (unfortunately) had more opportunities to practice because of some riffs in my friendships. In one relationship, I knew the conversation was coming and I thought through the steps that I would need to take in order to keep the conversation. I tried to remain level-headed during the conversation, avoiding my tendency to become overly emotional and say things that I regret. Although my friend did nothing but accuse my of things I either was or wasn't responsible for, I tried to maintain calm and considerate of her feelings. I used my Crucial Conversations training in my responses and hoped that we would be able to work through our problem.

We did, but only briefly before she began her accusations again. It seemed like we couldn't get past our original issue and she was bringing it up so frequently that I felt targeted. I finally decided to step away from the cool-headed approach and instead made a firm statement that I wouldn't put up with these continued accusations and that I was willing to move on only if she was. Apparently she wasn't, because she didn't contact me after that. Our relationship has become awkward as she refuses to make eye contact with me, but as much as I'd like to blame her for the awkwardness, I know I'm not going out of my way to speak to her. It's an uncomfortable situation and we are both stubborn people who have a hard time dealing with hurt pride.

I miss our friendship often, but know that I did the best I could to repair the friendship. When she told me that the new friends I was making were shallow and wouldn't stick by me in the long run, I felt like she was bringing people into a situation where they didn't belong. She was my closest friend, but I honestly feel that if she can't accept that I will spend time with other friends, just like she's been spending time with her boyfriend, I can't continue to remain close to her.

I don't feel like we're completely done and hope that we'll be able to repair our friendship one day, but in the meantime I feel like I've discovered some really unhealthy aspects about our friendship and have learned that this girl has made many of my friends feel outcast and uncomfortable. I hate to think that I was completely unaware of that, but I hope I can learn how to recognize those situations in relationships in the future.

When sitting down to give feedback regarding this semester’s work towards our legacy project, Kylie and I came to a mutual understanding that we were to be straight forward and honest with each other. Being friends in addition to teammates and colleagues, we know that the discussion being held does not reflect personal feelings, but a determination to work effectively and productively as a team. Neither Kylie nor I “sugar coated” the severity of any issues we were facing and for the purposes and structure of our group, we created safety by being straightforward. We removed our emotions from the feedback conversation and were honest about the issues we were feeling with our project.

Moving into the feedback portion of our reflection, we began by discussing strengths which we each saw in our partnership during our legacy project, thus far. I began by confirming that we are communicating well with each other before making any significant project decisions. We hold each other accountable for staying on top of our resources and we have similar goals and realistic expectations of our time. Kylie followed up by saying that we are disciplined and committed to arrange team meetings, honest with each other about our expectations and desires for the project, and we are both passionate about the problem that we are trying to address in our project. The strengths we listed are crucial for the success of any working team and Kylie and I are proud to have exhibited them in our partnership. However, with every strength comes a weakness and we knew that addressing those weaknesses would create a more successful outcome for our project.

In discussing weaknesses in our partnership, Kylie and I kept to our pact to remain candid with each other and again took turns explaining our thoughts. Kylie began by voicing a concern for our inability to make quick, yet thorough, decisions and our difficulty finding enough time to commit to the project. I echoed these concerns by discussing our inability to find time for major planning and our difficulty solidifying partnerships with outside parties/vendors. All of the weaknesses and concerns discussed are major components of any project and must be remedied if we hope to find success for our legacy project. Next, we moved towards discussing action plans to address these issues.

The action plans created were brainstormed between the two of us and correspond with each of the issues voiced. In regards to time, Kylie and I agreed to set up weekly meetings (same time and place every week) to discuss project updates, enhancements, and obstacles. Next, in terms of solidifying partnerships, we will arrange in-person meetings with the representatives from theNet and Rescue Her instead of relying on emails. Finally, in order to streamline our decision making process, Kylie and I plan to create a decision making model that will guide all future decisions.

Looking forward to the spring semester, we have a better understanding of how to allocate time to the project, so we will have a better approach to our project planning. We will have started creating relationships with outside parties who will be stronger resources throughout the development of the project. Recognizing that Alyssa has stronger organizational and planning skills than Kylie, whereas Kylie has stronger discipline and resource/time management skills to make sure that we meet and get the job done, each partner understands the need to commit to focusing on our strengths. Doing so next semester will allow our time to be spent more efficiently and our project to be completed more quickly and at a higher caliber.

We hope to see all of these plans come to fruition, but we must also understand the obstacles that will be faced in the spring. Kylie has a much heavier work load next semester, so finding the time to meet and keeping her focused and level-headed may be a challenge we face. We have to continue to communicate our team expectations of each other so that this issue does not overwhelm/overpower our team or limit our productivity. Alyssa has a very light load next semester, so she will have a more difficult time staying motivated and sticking to the schedule for project completion. Again, we must set clear expectations and be in constant communication with one another so that these issues do not destroy our project and the incredible work we could accomplish together.

Understanding our team’s strengths and weaknesses have allowed us to gain a clear understanding of what must be done to stay on track next semester. We look forward to the opportunity to enact some of the action plans that we created and to keeping each other on track. As two high-achieving, ambitious individuals, we know that when we put in the right amount of effort, our legacy project can become something truly impactful.