Follow Up: A Challenge

When I wrote the post "A Challenge", I mentioned that there were two friends who had become difficult relationships for me recently. The second friend initiated our crucial conversation over text with one sweeping text message that included some of the most hurtful statements I've ever heard. Of course, she had been a close friend for a while and knew exactly what to say to hurt me, but it was nevertheless shocking.

The core of her issue with me was that she believed that I wasn't being empathetic to her in regards to the job offer that I received but she didn't. In my perspective, I hadn't really talked to her about it at all, knowing that she's a very sensitive person who can turn on you quickly when she feels insecure. Instead, I focused on celebrating my (hard worked) achievement privately, with friends and family who I knew were truly happy for me. However, I seemed to have done something to upset her in regards to this recent hire and she wasn't pleased.

The message was received while I was at a new hire event for the company and took me completely by surprise. We hadn't been around each other much lately and she had been cold to me in the previous times that we had hung out. However, I didn't think that there had been anything wrong with us, I just thought she was being moody.

Apparently I read the situation wrong and that resulted in a message that proclaimed that I had become "a different person" and my "head has gotten too big for [my] body". She went on to say that she hoped that I had friends more forgiving than her, since I was going to need them if I ever wanted to have friends again. The message was long, and also made some catty jabs at my personality, etc. Although it was clear that the message was sent out of an emotional state, it doesn't change the fact that it was sent, and I had to read all of that.

Brought down to a very low point, emotionally, I walked around with a pit in my stomach for a few days. I kept thinking, has my head gotten too big? Have I really alienated that many people? What have I been doing lately that could have offended someone that much? I spent time asking some close friends if they felt that I had changed and if they thought that I was someone who could make others feel like this. My friends didn't seem to see any behavior that would indicate that, which was reassuring. I didn't want to make other people feel that way because I certainly didn't want to lose all of my friends, as the text suggested. However, I knew that I had obviously made someone feel that way and I didn't understand how.

That confrontation (or I guess lack thereof) has sparked a lot of self-reflection and consideration. Friendship is one of my most cherished values and, like I said in my last post, they have always been a challenge for me. This reflection lately has led me to seek out advice from two people who I have a lot of respect for and I finally had a conversation that I feel broke through the issue.

Dr. Shipp seemed to understand exactly what I was struggling with, internally, when going through these confrontations with friends. I used to be incredibly self-destructive when friendships were challenged, and often fed my stubborn nature by cutting people off completely after I felt that I had been "wronged". I hated that I did that, and recognized the symptoms, so I worked hard to change that in college. I tried to have meaningful conversations, but if those didn't work out as planned, I reverted to the "flight" mechanism and ended up acting like the situation (and therefore the person) didn't exist at all.

Unfortunately, that's what I've been doing with these two friends. Dealing with the situation has been difficult since I see them almost every day in class. During a recent class period, I actually heard them whispering behind me after every comment I would make or suggestion I would voice. Another friend confirmed that she had been privy to some of the "trash talking" that they now do about me when I'm not around. It's incredibly hurtful to hear, but sadly not surprising.

When talking to Dr. Shipp, my main concern was to understand how I can work through this situation while maintaining the most maturity and grace possible. She gave me some much needed advice on how to act around people who I've changed my relationships with, starting with the fact that I shouldn't act like they don't exist. Although I knew this probably wasn't the best solution, I didn't really know how to behave. Dr. Shipp told me to extend to them the same courtesy that i would extend a stranger on the street. Exchange pleasantries but nothing over the top. Be cordial, but not overly-friendly. Doing this will prevent me from appearing to these girls and to others that I am still in the middle of a catty fight and instead trying to move on and be the bigger person.

As I know that they're attempting to spread ill-taste about me, it's hard to imagine greeting one of them and talking about the weather, but I know that it will help me work through this not only externally, but internally as well. And it's important to me that I am able to understand how to handle these situations in the future, because they have caused me the most stress in my life so far. I am always thinking of friendships that I miss or people who I want to reconnect with, but I hope with some of the advice that I received from Dr. Shipp, I'll have fewer of these regrets in the future.