A Challenge

One of the biggest changes that I hope to make in my life is the way I carry on friendships. I feel like I have had many cycles of seriously close friendships that result in a falling out that ends the friendship. I saw it happen twice in high school and twice in college and I recognize it happening every time. In high school, I was quick to embrace my stubborn nature and terminate friendships completely when I felt like I had been wronged in some way, but that began to take its toll as I began to miss the friendships that I had lost.

In college, I planned to rethink my approach to maintaining those relationships and worked hard to swallow my pride in situations that would have previously made me walk away. I was trying my own techniques to work through problems, but it wasn't until joining the Next Gen program that I began to gain an understanding of how these conversations should be held. Crucial Conversations training is probably one of the most valuable things that I have learned in college and I have worked hard to refine those skills in my own conversations.

Recently I have (unfortunately) had more opportunities to practice because of some riffs in my friendships. In one relationship, I knew the conversation was coming and I thought through the steps that I would need to take in order to keep the conversation. I tried to remain level-headed during the conversation, avoiding my tendency to become overly emotional and say things that I regret. Although my friend did nothing but accuse my of things I either was or wasn't responsible for, I tried to maintain calm and considerate of her feelings. I used my Crucial Conversations training in my responses and hoped that we would be able to work through our problem.

We did, but only briefly before she began her accusations again. It seemed like we couldn't get past our original issue and she was bringing it up so frequently that I felt targeted. I finally decided to step away from the cool-headed approach and instead made a firm statement that I wouldn't put up with these continued accusations and that I was willing to move on only if she was. Apparently she wasn't, because she didn't contact me after that. Our relationship has become awkward as she refuses to make eye contact with me, but as much as I'd like to blame her for the awkwardness, I know I'm not going out of my way to speak to her. It's an uncomfortable situation and we are both stubborn people who have a hard time dealing with hurt pride.

I miss our friendship often, but know that I did the best I could to repair the friendship. When she told me that the new friends I was making were shallow and wouldn't stick by me in the long run, I felt like she was bringing people into a situation where they didn't belong. She was my closest friend, but I honestly feel that if she can't accept that I will spend time with other friends, just like she's been spending time with her boyfriend, I can't continue to remain close to her.

I don't feel like we're completely done and hope that we'll be able to repair our friendship one day, but in the meantime I feel like I've discovered some really unhealthy aspects about our friendship and have learned that this girl has made many of my friends feel outcast and uncomfortable. I hate to think that I was completely unaware of that, but I hope I can learn how to recognize those situations in relationships in the future.